


The Things We Left Inside

by goodpersonwithafetishforevilpeople



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anger, Cuddling, Dirty Thoughts, F/M, Fondling, Forgiveness, Kissing, Making Out, Oral Sex, Pain, Premature Ejaculation, Sexual Tension, Situational Humiliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-28
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-12-25 23:18:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18271133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodpersonwithafetishforevilpeople/pseuds/goodpersonwithafetishforevilpeople
Summary: Claire let go after a few seconds. “Why did that hurt you?”Inexplicably, Castiel was still partially hard. He groaned as the pain began to dull in pulses throughout his veins, like a blinding light comprised of bulbs that rapidly began to blink as they gradually faded out. “I let it.” He slowly opened his eyes and looked back down at Claire.





	The Things We Left Inside

“Novak,” the man who had escorted Castiel to the room in which Claire was staying addressed the girl sitting on the floor. “You’ve got a visitor.”

“Really?” Claire didn’t even try to conceal the skepticism in her tone and expression. As if anyone would be here to see her. Everyone who had once loved her, everyone that she needed, had abandoned her here to this place.

“Your father’s here to see you,” the man answered before stepping aside to let in Claire’s visitor.

Hope lit up in Claire’s eyes, and her breath caught at the sight of her father’s face after all these years. The last time she had seen him had been when an angel had taken him from her outside her home when she was only eleven years old. She allowed her mouth to twitch up in the ghost of a smile as he greeted her.

“Hello, Claire. It’s been a long time.” It pained Castiel to see such hope on Claire’s face when he knew that it was false, and the thought of having to snuff it out with the truth pained him just as much.

Her heart began to race with everything – all the hope, the relief, the joy, everything that she’d kept tucked away for this very moment, as she stood, ready to finally embrace her father again.

“Can we have a moment?” Castiel asked the man, regret almost clearly written on his face, before returning his attention to Claire.

“I’ll be outside,” he said, obliging Castiel’s request, closing and locking the door after himself.

Castiel couldn’t stand to deceive Claire any longer. As sweet as the brilliant hope in her eyes must be for her, he knew that the longer he allowed it to manifest, the more devastating it would be when she realized that it was all for naught. He wasted no time in stepping forward and stating, without further preamble, “I am not your father.”

He watched the luminescence of her happiness dull to disappointment as she scoffed derisively. “Right. “I’m not your father.” Those were the first words you ever said to me, remember?” The disdain she put into the last word made it clear that Castiel was not forgiven for what he had taken from her.

“I remember everything.” Perhaps coming here hadn’t been such a good idea. Clearly, Claire did not wish to see Castiel. All he had done in showing up was cause her to hope that her father had finally returned. And then disappointed her with the creature who took him from her instead. If his guilt at what he had taken from Jimmy was unpleasant, it was nothing in comparison to what Castiel was feeling now as he stood within a few feet of this girl, now almost a woman, who had been without a father or mother for her entire adolescence. Because of him. “If I could give you anything that could even come close to compensating for what I’ve taken from you, I would, Claire. Believe me.” He knew, of course, that there was nothing that he could offer. Nothing that could replace having to endure the tumultuous journey to adulthood without parents. But he wished with all of his being that there was. “Or any small comfort, anything at all…”

Fighting back tears and biting, sarcastic remarks, Claire whispered brokenly, “Hold me.”

Castiel tilted his head in confusion. “I’m sorry?”

Claire felt anger boil up inside her at that goddamn head tilt. Her thoughts once again flashed to the first time she had seen Castiel in her father’s body. “Just do it,” she snapped. “Like he used to. When I was a kid,” she added, more gently.

“Okay,” Castiel reluctantly agreed. He doubted that he could offer Claire the same comfort that Jimmy used to all those years ago. He stepped forward to hug her, but before he could embrace her, she moved away to lie down on the small, pristine bed that was pressed up against an equally white wall.

“Um, this is a rather awkward angle to hug you from…” Castiel said, leaning down to attempt to hug Claire, nevertheless.

She reached up to grab the sleeve of his (no, her father’s; everything that Castiel wore, right down to his bones, was her father’s) trench coat. “No. Lie down with me. At night, after he tucked me in, he’d lie down with me sometimes and tell me stories or sing to me. Or if he was really tired, we’d just lie down together in silence with his arms wrapped around me. My favourite nights were the ones when he was so tired that he’d fall asleep in my bed, and I got to be held and safe all night.” She didn’t know why she was telling Castiel all of this. It wasn’t like she needed to explain herself.

“Oh. Alright.” Castiel awkwardly stretched himself out alongside Claire, who was pressed snugly between the wall and Castiel’s side on the single bed. He was too close to the edge of the mattress for his comfort.

Claire turned onto her side so that her back was facing him, and she felt him scoot closer to the vacated space in the middle of the bed, still on his back. “I thought I asked you to hold me,” she muttered.

“Sorry,” he said quickly, as he rolled onto his side to throw an arm around her middle. He had done this once before. He had been human then. Cuddling. That was what this was, if he remembered correctly. April had giggled at how tightly he’d held her and for how long after they’d had intercourse for the second time that night. “You’re a cuddly one, huh?” she’d asked with a smile. She had seemed so kind, so open and human. He’d asked her what she meant, and that was how he’d found out what cuddling was. He found it interesting to learn now that it was apparently also something humans did platonically. It had just seemed like such a natural instinct after sex, to want to preserve some of that physical closeness, that feeling of oneness with another. But perhaps it was the nonsexual version of that same desire for a reclamation of physical oneness that drove parents to hold their children in such a manner, to clutch these beings who had been born of their bodies back to them, to remind both the parent and the child of how close they truly were, of the fact that they once were sincerely one. Castiel felt almost wrong acting as a placeholder for Jimmy now that he thought about what he was doing as something profoundly intimate. He had not raised Claire. He had not helped bring her into this world. He shouldn’t be holding her like this. He had no right to. “I’m sorry,” he muttered again, as he lifted his arm off her and rolled back onto his back.

Before Castiel could sit up, Claire rolled over onto her back, her striking blue eyes fixed on his own, and grabbed his sleeve again. “I didn’t tell you to let go.” She managed to look and sound both hurt and angry.

“Claire, please let go of me. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t –” Castiel sighed. He didn’t know what else to say. “I’m not your father.”

“I know,” Claire bit out. “You’ve taken so much from me, Castiel. Can’t you just give me this? Can’t you just let me pretend, just for a little bit?”

Castiel sighed again. Did he owe this to Claire? Maybe. Maybe not this, exactly, but this was what she was asking of him. So, yes. For he had asked everything of her. He owed her whatever she wanted, really. “Okay. It’s just… I feel like I’m… I think the term humans use for it is “cheating?” When they betray another’s trust to become close with someone who belongs to the other? Although, I don’t feel like that’s quite the right word. I think it applies more to romantic relationships, yes?”

Claire snickered. “Yeah. Don’t worry, though. I doubt some innocent cuddling is the worst thing you’ve done in my dad’s body.”

Castiel felt a blush rise on his cheeks and he cleared his throat uncomfortably. How could she know what he’d done with April? Or perhaps she just suspected that he had done something of the sort by now.

“I mean, you’re like a warrior, right? So, you’ve probably killed people by his hand.”

“Oh. Yes, of course.”

Castiel sounded oddly relieved to her ears for someone who was admitting to murder. Probably mass murder, given the nature of battle. “Whatever,” she mumbled under her breath. She turned back around and said to the wall, loud enough for Castiel to make out clearly, “Get back here.”

He turned to her once more and wrapped his arm around her. This time, he felt her shift closer to him and press her back against his stomach and chest, as though she needed the extra contact to enforce that he was not to leave. They lay there silently for what felt like a long while. When he’d been cuddling April, it hadn’t seemed nearly half as long before she’d commented that he was still holding her, which, for some reason, had been amusing to her. Castiel let his thoughts drift back to that night. As much as he’d regretted it the next morning, it had been a truly wonderful experience. The way his lips had fit so perfectly to hers... Castiel allowed his eyes to gently close, his hand beginning to absently rub small circles on Claire’s stomach as he had done with April that night. That night that he’d kissed his way down April’s soft, pale body as her breathing quickened. That night that he’d kissed and suckled at her full, smooth breasts before trailing his lips down her abdomen to nuzzle at her short crop of pubic hair as it tickled his nose while he inhaled her sweetly feminine scent. That night that he’d tasted a human orgasm on his tongue while it was shoved as far as it could go inside her, so deep that he’d been mildly worried that he might pull the muscle as he felt it ache with the strain of continuing to tongue-fuck her throughout her first of several orgasms that night. That night that he’d felt a human orgasm on his cock while it continued to piston in and out of her as he chased his own release, and then finally came inside the tight, wet heat that gripped and spasmed around his cock as it pulsed inside of her.

Claire’s eyes, which had drifted closed in the serenity of the feeling of her father’s embrace, flew open when she suddenly felt a pressure poking at the base of her spine. Maybe it wasn’t what she thought. Maybe it was just his wallet. Or his belt buckle. Maybe it wasn’t what it most definitely felt like. Claire rolled her hips slightly to try and get a better feel, and she gasped aloud when she felt it twitch and stiffen further. So, definitely not an inanimate accessory. Definitely her father’s erection.

“I’m sorry!” Castiel almost literally leapt out of the bed when he heard Claire gasp and felt her press herself back against his erection. No, no, no, no, no! Oh, God, he should not have come here. “It’s not – Um, it’s not you. It’s just, I’d only lain like that once before, and that was after, um… Claire, I – I’m so sorry…” Castiel scrubbed his hand down his face in a vain attempt to excise the shame that he was certain was visible there.

Claire stared at Castiel stuttering out some sort of apology or excuse, not knowing what to make of any of this, really. When she recovered from the brief shock of finding him hard, she thought about it more calmly. Really, it wasn’t that big of a deal. So he had gotten aroused while lying in bed with her. It wasn’t like he was actually her father. Unless… Claire shuddered. “Is – Is my dad…?”

“Your father is in Heaven.”

Claire scoffed bitterly. “Well, good for him.” Of course. Of fucking course, he was gone. It really had felt like Jimmy holding her just a few moments ago, and Claire had been convinced then that he had to still be alive, asleep next to Castiel’s conscious mind. But no, apparently her father’s body belonged solely to Castiel now. On the plus side, that made his erection less disturbing. What a comfort.

“Claire, I am so, so sorry. If you want me to leave, I will.”

“No!” Claire hadn’t even thought that she had chosen to speak, but apparently her mouth was way ahead of her brain. “I mean, don’t – don’t go. That… That was nice. Being held like that. It… It really felt like him, like back when I was a kid.”

Castiel didn’t know if he wanted to hug Claire (to comfort her or himself more, he wasn’t entirely sure) or leave as quickly as possible after having just tarnished a sacred childhood comfort for her. Claire had found it nice. Comforting. And then she’d gasped and recoiled in shock and disgust. “I am so, so –”

“I swear to God, Castiel, if you say sorry one more time…” Then what? She’d tell him to leave? Not likely. She’d punch him, though, if it would do anything. She didn’t hate him, she just… God, all of it was so fucked up and confusing. Yeah, she did hate him. He killed her father, drove away her mother, left her homeless after her grandmother’s death, and never once cared to see how she was doing before now. But his touch calmed her, so she wanted him to stay. She stepped closer to him, and he just stood rooted to the spot until she was directly before him. She looked up to see such pain, guilt, and shame swimming in the pools of her father’s eyes. A petty, vindictive spark ignited inside her at the sight. Because those weren’t her father’s eyes, her father’s emotions. They were Castiel’s now. And Castiel should damn well be feeling all of those things. Obviously not because he had gotten aroused while holding Claire, but because he had absolutely demolished her life. If that other little incident was what it took to get him to feel those things that had been absent for nearly seven years after hijacking her father, though, well, then at least Claire knew what to do. Still staring into Castiel’s eyes, Claire reached her hand out and cupped Castiel’s fly, which still held a bulge, albeit a less prominent one. She felt him twitch beneath her hand, and caught his gasp with her lips. She kissed him hard, insistently. He didn’t kiss back, but when she shoved her tongue between his barely parted lips, he opened his mouth just enough to allow her to taste the roof of his mouth, the backs of his teeth, his own lax tongue.

When Claire finally pulled away, still cupping Castiel’s groin, his eyes were wide as they stared into her matching ones. “Claire, that wasn’t – I don’t want – This, this isn’t what that meant…”

She tightened her grip on him only minutely, even though she was pretty sure he couldn’t feel pain. Or could he? He had gasped when she touched him, so if he could feel pleasure, wouldn’t pain also be able to register? She pushed the pondering aside. “I know.”

Castiel cocked his head to the side in confusion.

And there it was again. That same goddamn trademark gesture. She wanted to fucking punch him. She decided to test her theory and squeezed him as tightly as she could.

“Ah!” Castiel’s face contorted in pain, his eyes shut tightly, his head thrown back. He didn’t try to use his grace to shield himself from the sensation. He had semi-voluntarily relaxed his grace as he thought of his night with April so that the memories of the physical sensations could be more vivid. That was why he’d felt it when Claire touched him, that was why he was feeling it now while Claire caused bursts of agony to shoot through his vessel. This was what he deserved. No, he deserved worse. He deserved to take on all of her anger, all of her pain. He had promised Jimmy that he would look after his family, and he had broken that promise. He had also told Jimmy that if he became his vessel again, he wouldn’t die. Although that had been more of a warning, it also felt like yet another broken promise. So, he could take this. He had to.

Claire let go after a few seconds. “Why did that hurt you?”

Inexplicably, Castiel was still partially hard. He groaned as the pain began to dull in pulses throughout his veins, like a blinding light comprised of bulbs that rapidly began to blink as they gradually faded out. “I let it.” He slowly opened his eyes and looked back down at Claire.

“Why?”

“Why did you do it?” he countered.

“Because I was angry. And… I also wanted to see if I could.”

He nodded. “And did it satisfy your anger? And your curiosity?”

Her curiosity, yes. Her anger, on the other hand? She could have laughed. She did, in fact, as she bit out a sharp, “No.” No, seeing him in physical pain hadn’t actually caused her to feel anything – neither satisfaction nor guilt. Seeing his guilt, however, had brought some semblance of relief, and possibly satisfaction. Kissing him had also brought feelings of… something. She placed her hands on his sides, just above his hips, beneath his coat and suit jacket. She felt him tense under her hands through the material of his shirt. “You said you’d give me anything, Castiel?” she asked in a much softer voice as she looked up into his eyes, which now held guarded apprehension along with guilt and sadness.

Castiel really hoped that Claire wasn’t going to demand another kiss. He knew that parents did not kiss their children like that, so it was intimate in an entirely different way, which meant that he shouldn’t feel guilty about it. He wasn’t infringing upon anything that Claire and Jimmy had shared. It wasn’t inherently innocent. Yet, for some reason, he felt uneasy about it. The mouth she had explored was the same one that had told her bedtime stories and sung her to sleep. It may not be an intrusion on what she had shared with her father, but he felt like it was a perversion of it. But, he had said… “Anything,” he confirmed, trying to keep his voice from quavering.

“Fuck me.”

“What?!”

“What?” Claire asked innocently, looking into his wide, shocked eyes. He looked almost scared. “Don’t try to tell me that isn’t what you were thinking about.”

“Not – No. Not with you. Claire, why… why would you want that from me?”

Claire shrugged. “Why wouldn’t I?” The question was rhetorical, but of course Castiel answered anyway, earning an exasperated eye roll from Claire.

“Be – Because –!” He sputtered, incredulous. “Claire, you’re underage, for one thing. I’m pretty sure. And –”

“Actually, I’m not. Age of consent in Illinois is seventeen.”

“Okay, well, that hardly even matters when you consider… you know.” Castiel gestured to himself. To Jimmy’s self.

Claire cocked an unfazed brow. “Castiel,” she said, a mild hint of irritation in her voice to match the impatience on her face. She tightened her hands on his waist, pressing indents into his skin at the points of contact with her fingertips. “I don’t give a shit.” She did, of course. Her anger towards Castiel, the knowledge of the vindictiveness of what she was doing, emboldened her to push past the cognitive dissonance, however.

Castiel shook his head in resignation, his eyes and lips slanted sadly in despair.

Claire smirked. She guided Castiel towards the bed, then turned him around and moved her hands to his shoulders to push him down onto its edge. She swung a leg over each of Castiel’s and seated herself upon his lap. Claire clasped her hands behind his neck as she pressed her lips to his again. She was swiftly surprised when he reciprocated after a few seconds with a confident tongue, exploring every crevice of her mouth. She felt his hands grip her sides, surprising her further. He slid his hands under the thin cotton of her shirt, and she noticed how wet she had suddenly become as she felt his cool, calloused hands against her warm, smooth skin.

Castiel slid his hands beneath the seat of Claire's jeans and picked her up; her legs hitched on reflex around his waist. He walked the few feet to the wall and pressed her back against it, his lips never leaving hers. Castiel dropped his hands, lowering Claire's feet to the linoleum as she untangled her hands from his nape, and sank at once to his knees before her. Castiel looked up at the skies shining in Claire's eyes as he undid the button of her fly with slow, deliberate movements. He dragged the tab of the small zipper down as Claire gazed into the deep ocean of Castiel's irises, unable to fully read what dwelled within them. Castiel hooked his fingers into Claire's waistband, and slowly lowered her jeans, his eyes remaining locked on hers. Castiel felt tiny goosebumps rise in the wake of his fingers as he ran them up the length of the silken skin of Claire's legs. He brought his thumbs to the inside of Claire's thighs to part them, then replaced his thumbs with his lips, pressing soft kisses to Claire's loins. Castiel sucked and nibbled at the skin as he felt Claire begin to tremble slightly. She gasped and steadied her palms against the wall behind her when she felt his tongue run the full length of her sex, from her perineum to the crease in her skin where her pussy began. Castiel sucked and licked at Claire's exterior sex, her hips caught in his bruising grip, her breath alternating between caught in her throat and sharp exhalations competing in volume with the slick sounds issuing from between her legs. "Ohhhhhh!" She cried, as she felt Castiel's tongue enter her, her hands flying to his hair. She gripped the strands unyieldingly as she felt her orgasm building deep within the heat of her lower abdomen. "Oh, fuck. Fuck, yes, Castiel, fuck, fuck, fuck fuckfuckfuck! Oohhhhhhh!" Claire's face contorted in pleasure, her eyes squeezed shut as tightly as her hands pulled upon Castiel's hair and as her thighs were clamped against his face. Castiel continued to plunge his tongue in and out of Claire as she rode out her orgasm. When he felt her thighs relax around his face and her grip loosen in his hair, his lips left hers with a soft, soundless kiss and he gazed up at her face, her eyes closed gently, her chin tilted up towards the fluorescents, her chest stuttering in panted breaths.

Claire absently ran her fingers through Castiel's hair as the pattern of her breathing gradually righted. She sighed once it finally did, opening her eyes to look down at the angel at her feet. His lips and chin and some of his jaw glistened in the glaring artificial light. Claire smiled as she ran one of her hands down the side of his face, caressing his cheek, her thumb stroking over his wet lips and slippery chin. She wasn't sure exactly what she had been expecting Castiel to say or do next, but it certainly wasn't, "I'm not going to fuck you." 

Castiel's expression was as stony as the gravel of his voice. He was torn between assuming an air of apology or one of authority, unsure which would be more persuasive to Claire. Remembering her unfinished threat at his profuse apologizing earlier, he settled on the latter. "Accept the pleasure I've given you, Claire. Accept my atonement, my submission at your feet." 

Claire deliberated. In the immediate aftermath of her bliss, she was tempted to simply abide by Castiel's words, satisfied and grateful. However, she remembered why she was doing this in the first place: Castiel's guilt at his own pleasure. It suddenly dawned on her that perhaps that was why he had taken the lead. Claire smirked down at Castiel. "Think you can get off that easy, angel? Without actually getting off?"

"Claire. My decision is final. Have you even...?"

Claire felt her face heat up in a blush, further embarrassed by the certainty that Castiel could clearly see the colour in her cheeks in the abundant brightness of the entirely white room. Instead of admitting that she had yet to, Claire said, determination convincingly feigned in her voice, "Let me return the favour."

Castiel really didn't want that. Of course, he had gotten aroused while pleasuring Claire, and was, in fact, still aroused, but he just didn't feel right about it. "No. Let it be a part of my atonement that I don't... get off."

Claire snickered in derision. "I think I'll be the one to decide how you atone, Castiel. Stand up."

Castiel sighed through his nose as he rose to his feet, his mouth set in a tight, displeased line. 

Claire held his forlorn gaze as she nimbly undid his belt and fly to tug his pants from his hips. She slid his boxers down to join them at his ankles. Castiel’s breath hitched when Claire took him in hand. Claire simpered as she knelt, the floor cold beneath her bare knees. She moved her hand to fondle Castiel as she took him in her mouth. She spluttered and coughed, her sinuses burning, when Castiel came almost instantly. She pulled her mouth off of him and spat on the floor. Fuck this place. “What the fuck?” Claire demanded as she wiped the back of her hand across her mouth, glowering hard up at Castiel. 

Castiel looked at Claire contritely. “I, um… I may have misestimated how much I needed to relax my grace.”

“You think?” Claire disparaged, reclothing herself as she stood.

Castiel redonned his pants as well. “Well. You got what you wanted, at least.” 

“I guess,” Claire muttered with disdain. 

“Claire…” The timbre of Castiel’s voice was gentle and imploring. 

Claire’s demeanor softened slightly in response. 

“I really am sorry. For everything.” Castiel placed his hands once more upon Claire’s waist as he looked down solemnly into her eyes. It may have just been hope, but he could have sworn he saw forgiveness in their depths, and felt clemency in her touch as she smoothed her hands down the tan sleeves of her father’s trench coat. "Come on," he said. "Let's get you out of here."

**Author's Note:**

> Context/ references:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0P7Ayt_sPwM&feature=share&fbclid=IwAR279I3JPD1dIQOU3Ej-fM2U2SdEfIdt-2gQBmAx3VtK2SeX4vNIlbco0HQ
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2rCg1VKh2kI
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YysV8-VNOzc


End file.
